Week 8-9: Challenges
“You know well enough that Our Lord does not look so much at the greatness of our actions, nor even at their difficulty, but at the love with which we do them.” ― St. Thérèse of Lisieux
Week 8:
I've been through it over the past several days (stressful at work!)... which meant no entry for the eighth week. While operating at "barely functioning" through overly full days, I used my daily prayer and study time to sit with the challenges I've been experiencing in RCIA, namely the general disconnect in the knowledge of what the CCC teaches, and what RCIA candidates are being taught in person.
Before starting RCIA, I began pregaming with the Catechism and Catholic Bible several weeks before the first class, seeking additional academic resources so that I wouldn't be insufferable with persistent questions and feedback. Reading comprehension is a personal strength however, and over the past few weeks, there have been direct and worrisome disagreements between what the Deacons are teaching in class, and what the CCC outlines.
Trigger points—the hard topics—must be addressed with educators, especially when dealing with a group of individuals on the path of the discernment of Catholicism. In addition to Catholic newbies, a share of the class in attendance are members of the community who are Cradle Catholics seeking to learn more about the faith. I understand the CCC was published in the early 1990s, respecting that individual ministries may have started well before the widespread distribution of the information. Plainly? It is clear when individuals haven't read the Catechism or they have not studied the CCC for comprehension.
The specific inquiries by other candidates at last week's class were big central doctrine questions that apologists with infinitely more knowledge and experience than myself have answered. First, a question regarding the souls of infants who have not been baptized came up, and the educator's kneejerk response was: "The official stance of the church is that there is no official stance."
I couldn't keep quiet on this, especially observing the shift in the room after the abrupt retort. Paragraph 1261 of the CCC details the clear viewpoint of the Catholic church, and is a soothing balm for this hard and often painful question:
"As (regarding) children who have died without Baptism, the Church can only entrust them to the mercy of God, as she does in her funeral rites for them. Indeed, the great mercy of God who desires that all men should be saved, and Jesus' tenderness toward children, which caused him to say: 'Let the children come to me, do not hinder them,' allow us to hope that there is a way of salvation for children who have died without Baptism." (CCC 1261)
I stumbled and stuttered my way through this explanation and excerpt from the CCC as an offering of clarity to avoid conflict and stepping on toes, but it was clear that the "Official stance," answer previously had taken a toll on the class. Directly following this inquiry, there was a question from a Catholic about what we receive during the Eucharist, and the educator established and assured that we receive the Holy Trinity. The CCC dissects the Eucharist in paragraphs 1322-1429 and explicitly states that we receive Christ in the Eucharist, while indirectly receiving the Father and the Holy Spirit as Christ fully embodies both—the Eucharist is however, a profound and intimate union with Christ.
"The mode of Christ's presence under the Eucharistic species is unique. It raises the Eucharist above all the sacraments as 'the perfection of the spiritual life and the end to which all the sacraments tend.' In the most blessed sacrament of the Eucharist 'the body and blood, together with the soul and divinity, of our Lord Jesus Christ and, therefore, the whole Christ is truly, really, and substantially contained.' This presence is called 'real' - by which is not intended to exclude the other types of presence as if they could not be 'real' too, but because it is presence in the fullest sense: that is to say, it is a substantial presence by which Christ, God, and man, makes himself wholly and entirely present." (CCC 1374)
Leveling here with the reader: I do not expect everyone to know everything, but I do believe educators should be versed—and ready—to consult the official texts as needed. "I don't know, but will find an answer and get back to you," is far more powerful than a dismissive response. In reflecting on last week, it was sobering to realize that without the intensity of self-directed studies leading up to RCIA, I would have already given up on the Catholic church, and I don't want to see other candidates on this path to walk away quietly due to misunderstandings where there are answers. We have enough on our plates as far as the other mysteries of the faith to ponder, tbh.
Week 9:
Finishing up the ninth week, I am reflecting on the following:
What am I giving up to follow Jesus?
What is the best that I can give?
I have partial, incomplete thoughts around both of these questions and over the past week have had moments where fragmented thoughts are clear:
My old "self" is dying. There have been deep shifts in my approach to answering questions, noticed first at work in meetings and responding to dozens of emails throughout the day, and now in my personal life. I need time to reflect and gather my thoughts before speaking, and my use of language is becoming noticeably less violent and harsh.
My consumption of the news media cycle and scrolling through feeds has dramatically decreased. Actual, real-time usage data has reflected this: My screen time is down 50%, phone pickups have dropped to a mere 13 times per day, and daily notifications are down 73% (!). I'm a digital communications professional, and this tracking data is surprising, to say the least.
My friend group is changing. Three months ago, when first confiding in friends that I was starting RCIA and working toward Catholic conversion, my closest inner circle expressed apprehensions that they would "lose" me to the faith, with their concerns deviating to confusion and anger quickly. With their misunderstandings of Catholicism arising, I've been attempting to work with their questions, albeit facing that the loudest mouthpieces on social media, combined with extremely biased content algorithmically served in our echo chambers, are having the most impact on the general population's perceived (mis)understanding(s) of the faith. It has been uncomfortable for me to explain that anti-Catholic presumptions grounded in viral, non-Catholic thought circles are largely unfounded, and the loudest, most shared pieces of viral content do not represent the Catholic church, or that these individuals are automatically the rightest because of engagement.
The consequences of publicly following Christ: Once lively group chats have gone silent over the past several weeks (clearly having removed me, I get it), and I've noted dozens of former friends have hit "unfollow" on social media. I love deeply, and understand why it is quiet out there... they have been hurt either directly or indirectly by someone representing the church and/or Christians. My decision to leave mainline protestant Christianity, due to commercialization and commodification of the faith, and belief systems that lack resolve, have been unwelcome. Non-denominational, mainline Christians are perceived as generally more tolerant with a buffet-like selection of beliefs and morality, versus the teachings and followers of the Catholic faith. The situation is still saddening (and evolving). At the start of all of this, I asked the group to have open hearts and be as accepting of my faith and lifestyle choices as I have been of theirs over the years... but am experiencing the painful reminder that it is not societally normative or broadly acceptable to deeply contemplate and seek Christ.
The quiet has been good for me, though. As challenging as it is to observe the shifts in my relationships, the quiet has been beneficial. Without the sudden dramatic drop in noise, I would not be able to dedicate the current running daily average of (100) minutes of prayer and study.
I don't have a complete answer for the question "What am I giving up to following Christ?" quite yet, apart from acknowledging the death of my former self, the loss of friends, and reducing my consumption of mainstream digital content. These facets of change carry many implications to start, anyway. "What is the best I can give?" ... this is another question I need to sit with. "Money" is the easiest answer, but I need to go deeper: Does the best of what I can give incorporate my natural talents? (Creative, music, education, digital communication...?) Short-term vs. long-term giving goals?
This week in class, the high-level overview of Church history was good. The instructor was well prepared, and am looking forward to his second class next week. Acquaintances made in RCIA and Bible Study found me at Mass today, and it was admittedly nice not to be in the pew alone. They are non-Catholics as well, and haven't been going up for their blessing; I was able to quietly rally them for the posture of the unconfirmed at Mass: take a bow of respect at the front, receive a quick blessing from the Priest, and then we are well on our way for the day, instead of lingering seated and isolated on the bench while the rest of the congregation receives the Eucharist.
Small actions executed in love may be all that matters.
Have a great week ahead and God bless,
—K