37 Hours.
Over the next few weeks, there will be 37 hours of class + Mass time before I'm officially a Catholic.
The Easter season is a celebrated time of renewal, rebirth, and transformation for Catholics and Christians globally. As I am nearing the end of my journey through the Order of Christian Initiation of Adults (OCIA), this Easter holds an even deeper significance. I've encountered numerous challenges along the path to embracing Catholicism, particularly during this last leg of the OCIA process. For this blog, I wanted to touch on the hurdles I've been facing, and how they've inspired growth and spiritual enrichment.
QUESTIONING AUTHORITY:
On this side of the faith journey, one of the facets I've wrestled with was my approach to examining the entire Catechism and the Catholic Bible in advance of confirmation. There were so many instances of unpreparedness, contradiction, "nuance," and rejection of the Catechism from a handful of educators, and approaching each session with a deeper comprehension and awareness of what the Church teaches created internal conflict and amplified my doubts. Each time I've spoken referencing the CCC or asked a question concerning glaring inconsistencies... it hasn't felt good. A dear friend mentioned early on in the process that converts to Catholicism are typically on fire over the word and church teachings, and mentioned it is known that OCIA candidates finish the classes with considerably more knowledge about the faith than many Cradle Catholics. This sentiment was echoed in Bible study last year when a lifelong Catholic expressed that, "People in OCIA know so much more about our faith than we do."
Questioning educators and their content was uncomfortable: It felt confrontational and disrespectful, and in the case of ordained Deacons, it appeared like I was literally challenging Church authority. After each occurrence, I had to center the discomfort: Questioning is a vital aspect of critical thinking and learning, which fosters depth of understanding and intellectual growth for both students and educators.
OCIA BURNOUT:
Education burnout is a common phenomenon at various stages of any academic journey, and as these last few weeks of OCIA wind down, I am feeling it. For the past eight months, I've experienced marked feelings of exhaustion, frustration, and disengagement, and adjustments have been mission-critical to completing the process. Changes I implemented included halting the creation of class study guides, not showing up too early, meeting with the Rector twice, and being absent for a few classes (while attending an alternate Mass) without the guilt trip. Over the past several weeks, I've had to also focus on attempting to get adequate rest the night before… For months I wasn't sleeping due to inexplicable nerves keeping me awake all night, and I was showing up overtired and crabby at each session.
LIFE SUPPORT:
Seeking support from peers, mentors, and mental health professionals during the past several months also provided valuable guidance and perspective, and I deeply feel for those pursuing conversion that don't have the support network I've been truly blessed with. First, my sponsor is an extraordinary and devout woman of faith, who isn't afraid to guide or elbow me when I have needed it most. Seriously, she functions in 100% Mom-Mode 24/7: with being sick the past two weeks, she was 100% right about getting out and enjoying the beautiful weather while I had been holed away in my dark industrial loft. She also was the conduit for priestly intervention and prayers during my cognitive dissonance meltdown last month, and without her grounding presence, I'm not sure I would have made it this far in the process. Peer support during the OCIA process is also important: there have been several of us who leaned on each other during OCIA, and being able to share questions/comments/concerns/vent sessions with other candidates in person has been crucial to transformation.
I also 10/10 recommend actively meeting with a mental health professional during conversion, which has helped me to process OCIA and join a new religious community. My doctor views the Church through the social lens, examining its role in shaping group identity, community dynamics, and interpersonal relationships. He has also focused on developmental aspects, and we've explored how religious beliefs and practices evolve over a lifespan, influencing individual growth and well-being. We've discussed how the Church intersects so many facets of life and holds the paradox of challenge and opportunity to embrace the doctrine while continuing to support my psychological soundness. I would not be flourishing during conversion to the faith without a strong psychological foundation. Especially when so many religious leaders conflate mental health challenges with evil. For example, at a recent mass, the sermon focused on how anxiety stems only from sin, and this vein of religious thought leadership is so harmful and dangerous to those who aren't grounded.
Beyond the intellectual and cultural dimensions, OCIA often entails profound emotional and psychological struggles for converts. The decision to embrace Catholicism evokes a range of emotions, from excitement and anticipation to doubt and fear. For me, the journey has involved navigating tensions and social pressure. I am thankful that as we march closer to Easter with deep themes of redemption and renewal, I have been able to surrender my fears and uncertainties to the loving embrace of Christ, trusting in His promise of new life and transformation. The simple prayer: "Jesus, I surrender myself to you, take care of everything," ... Holy cannoli do these ten little words help.
This weekend, I have another back-to-back doubling up of OCIA: A half-day retreat on Saturday (boo), and class + the Second Scrutiny on Sunday. Never heard of the Second Scrutiny? Here is what the Catholic AI robot has to say about it:
"During the R(O)CIA process, there are three scrutinies that take place on the third, fourth, and fifth Sundays of Lent. These scrutinies are liturgical rites in which the elect (those preparing for baptism) are prayed over and blessed by the community. The scrutinies are intended to help the elect grow in self-awareness, repentance, and conversion as they prepare to receive the sacraments of initiation (baptism, confirmation, and Eucharist) at the Easter Vigil.
Each scrutiny typically includes a reading from the Gospel, a period of silent prayer, and intercessory prayers for the elect. The prayers and rituals focus on themes of healing, liberation from sin, and the strengthening of faith. The scrutinies are a time for the elect to reflect on their lives, acknowledge their need for God's grace, and seek the support and prayers of the community."
That's a wrap for this week.
In Christ,
Kayla
PS. When the ornery jeering mood shift occurs, I attempt to remember that Christ was literally nailed to a cross for me, and it quiets the fussing fairly quickly, especially with less than a month to go.