The Path to Rediscovery.
The undertaking of a spiritual journey is seldom a linear path. For me, it was a long road filled with doubts, exploration, and ultimately, rediscovery. My recent conversion to Catholicism may have taken significant effort over the past eight months, but the roots of this transformation started in 2016, halfway across the world.
Standing at the gates of the Hagia Sophia early on a Tuesday morning in the chilly February overcast of Istanbul, Turkey, I was totally unaware of its sudden closure due to a lack of tourists. The government had recently initiated extensive restoration to revert the monument into a working mosque due to overcrowding at the nearby Blue Mosque, and I was a solo traveler relying on outdated sightseer information.
Several minutes after the gates were scheduled to open, security approached to tell me the museum was closed. I'm sure my face shifted to an expression of "crushing disappointment," because the guards exchanged words briefly in Turkish...and opened the gate, ushering me in. I was confused and slightly scared, but once the gate closed behind me, a wave of relief accompanied by a sense of safety washed over me, which had eluded me in the bustling streets of Istanbul for weeks. The guards told me to be careful, and to find them if I had any questions... and then left. Alone in the vastness of this ancient monument, accompanied only by the watchful eyes of the resident cats, I explored for hours. Amidst construction debris and marble thresholds cracked and worn concave over hundreds of years of tourists, I stumbled upon a mosaic depicting Christ above the Imperial Gate, wondering how it had survived the Ottomans. As I read the translation of the Greek inscription—"Peace be with you; I am the light of the world,"—something shifted internally. At that moment, I felt profound serenity and clarity: the truth I had been seeking was revealed in the most unexpected of places, and I had "heard" the words of Christ for the first time.
Back home in San Diego, at the recommendation of a (former) devout Catholic coworker, I tentatively attended my first (then) RCIA class at St. Anne's Roman Catholic Church. I hit an impasse with Catholicism as I grappled with the introduction to a conservative doctrine (and balked at the idea of a mandatory dress code). My early twenty-something staunch individualism clashed with the collective ethos of Catholicism, leading me to drop out of the program. I found myself adrift, and unsure of where to begin.
Consequently, over the past several years, I have drifted through various churches, searching for a spiritual home that resonated with my impressions of Christianity. Along the way, I encountered a myriad of concerns. Some churches lacked conviction, their beliefs shallow, and often a buffet that included mysticism and the occult. Others weaponized the word of God for political gain or the prosperity gospel, straying far from the teachings of Christ. I attended services where the focus was more on producing Sunday rock concerts and evangelical music streaming sales rather than on fostering a deeper connection with Christ. Despite my efforts at being open-hearted and repeating the mantra "no congregation is perfect," I couldn't shake the feeling of displacement and not truly belonging while struggling to find Christ in the protestant church.
With relocating to Tulsa through the Tulsa Remote program, I saw the opportunity for a fresh start, both personally and spiritually. As I settled into this vibrant little city, I committed: Within one year, I would diligently seek a Protestant church community that aligned with my beliefs and values. However, I acknowledged that if my search in secular communities proved unsuccessful, I would honor my earlier connection to Catholicism. A year of secular congregations later, I attended Mass at Holy Family Cathedral in Downtown Tulsa and quietly began attending their faith formation events. After meeting two parishioners at an evening speaker event, one volunteered immediately to be my sponsor for OCIA, because she had always wanted to walk with someone entering the Church. Eight months ago, I trusted that this path would ultimately lead me to a deeper understanding of my faith and a sense of belonging within a community of believers in the Catholic Church. I began to grasp its profound depth and universality with shifting to a collectivist mindset, and have spent the past several months studying the Catechism of the Catholic Church and the Catholic Bible. All of this has ushered in a sense of belonging and purpose that eluded me for so long.
These months of my Catholic faith formation required work. I didn't convert overnight. Thanks to technology, I've been able to quantify and track the process:
21,029 minutes of independent study,
Over 262 straight days,
35 OCIA classes in 8 months,
5 half-day retreats, and
2 meetings with the Rector.
Honorable mention: 1 car wreck on my way up to a monastic experience with the Benedictine Sisters of Perpetual Adoration. I am finally able to (almost) kneel during Mass again; the past sixteen weeks of recovery have been challenging, but forced me to rely on prayer and trust in Him.
Today, as I embrace Catholicism and welcome the cultural shifts wholeheartedly, I am filled with a sense of peace and fulfillment that transcends words. Despite being marked by detours and setbacks, the road ultimately led me back to where I belong – within the Catholic Church. I am grateful for the unwavering guidance and support of the Catholic community, both in-person and digitally. Ascension Press, Hallow, Catholic Answers, FORMED, and Catholic.chat all have developed industry-best-standard digital content and tools that augmented OCIA for deeper comprehension that aided in my conversion, and I am gratefully indebted to the teams behind these resources.
I hope to encourage others struggling with their faith or searching for a spiritual home as I continue to write about my experiences as a Catholic woman and convert. Know that the path is not always straightforward, but with an open heart and a willingness to explore, you may find that the answers you seek are within reach. Start with prayer.
In Christ,
Kayla