Love is the whole point.
Today was the first day of RCIA! Before going in-depth about the experience, I want to take the time to put words around the paradox of holding both grief and hopefulness, both of which I am carrying currently for this first entry.
This weekend was the memorial service and remembrance of the earthly life that was Jan Smith's legacy. During my time as a part of the Graham Memorial Presbyterian congregation in the formative years of building a foundation of faith in my life, Jan had such a profound impact on my perception of how deep the love of Christ can go and was one of the first people who established for me what unconditional love and generosity are. On June 23, Jan asked that the faithful stop praying for healing, and start praying for the anticipatory grief to come, and mercifully walked into Christ's loving arms after passing away at home, with family. As far as death goes, most of us would consider this to be an idyllic good death.
The past few weeks have been spent in a state of suspended sadness. The small details have hit the hardest, knowing that she would never "like" another Instagram post. I would never receive another silly image over text and our seemingly endless game of voice memo tag are through. No more long sunset walks while talking to her about boys men (a girl-mom, Jan certainly was). After moving for the umpteenth time, she wouldn't be there sitting on the ground helping me put my bed frame together...
I managed to stay composed until my former pastor, the Reverend Dr. David McElrath (who retired in January), stood up to do what Pastor David does best: a solid, no-chaser, bee-in-his-bonnet sermon for Jan. Way to go, PD... you finally got me. With the conclusive hymnal of the Presbyterian faithful singing "It Is Well with My Soul," I wept my way through choked lyrics (and am admittedly crying again while drafting this entry) realizing this would likely be the last time I ever sing with the congregation of the "little yellow C Street church" on Coronado Island.
With those hot and salty tears streaming down my face even now, I am ultimately reminded that this is the price of love, and I am truly blessed to have had multifaceted closure.
The last question I asked Jan in our final correspondence was,
Is this a time-space continuum? By honoring the ones we love in this lifetime during death, is this simply a reflection of Christ’s suffering and love for us so we remember/reflect on love and the ultimate sacrifice? Does it hurt more when we have loved because that—love—is the whole point?
Her answer? Simply, "Yes."
Love is the whole point.
I'm off to collect myself so I can segue seamlessly into a second entry this evening about RCIA today and the transition to an open heart toward the Catholic Church.