Do not be afraid (to ask for insight).
A few years ago, I was a patient of a great therapist who once advised,
"Try not to wait until you're at an 8 or 9 (on the scale of needing to talk to someone) until you book an appointment, reach out when you're at a 5." (Thanks, Jill.)
I met with the Rector of our Parish and discussed what has been on my mind. He provided excellent insights combined with scripture to consider as I navigate this Lenten season and head toward confirmation in the coming weeks.
Isolation is amplifying several challenges:
Social Dynamics: Converting to Catholicism is ushering in a dramatic shift in my social circles. Friends and family who do not share my faith are unlikely to understand or support this growth.
Cultural Considerations: Catholicism has a prescribed doctrine of beliefs and spiritual practices, exhaustively incorporating lifestyle, faith, and religious culture. Catholicism is at odds with mainstream standards and lifestyles.
Loss of Community: I left the evangelical and protestant communities behind, and as this shift has occurred over the past few years, I have experienced the separateness and loneliness that proceed with being in full communion with the Church, full-stop. Layered with having relocated to a new region and working from home 100% remotely, this has all compounded.
Personal Spirituality: I could write (or talk) ad nauseam about my experience at the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, and no one would understand how awestruck I stood, alone, under the Imperial Gate mosaic when I first heard the call of Christ in 2016. I spoke the same word in the massive stillness of the mosque (formerly a Cathedral) after translating the inscription within the mosaic while sitting on the cold, worn marble floor: "Let peace and safety be with you. I am the peace and glorious light of the universe.” My response to the stillness? "Heard." This experience was intensely personal, and may not be appreciated by others outside of the Church faithful. I've carried this for eight years to the day, not wanting to publicly discuss it fearing the stigmas with a belief in divine guidance. I've grappled with this conviction for eight years, and have felt a profound sense of isolation holding this close to my chest.
Support Networks: I haven't lived in one place long enough since my mid-teens to build a truly healthy and stable support network of relationships. The relocation here to Tulsa was my 27th move, and I've had absolutely zero desire to pack up and move again. (#spoileralert: I love my loft and relish Downtown Tulsa.) The vast majority of Catholics are cradle (born and raised), and I simply lack the supportive network of fellow believers who can offer guidance, encouragement, fellowship, and be in relationships that are only built with time.
Our Rector had incredible insight into what is holding me back.
It is a poorly kept secret that I was raised in a traumaticly abusive home. Without disclosing all of the details, I've invested so much time, money, and energy working to untangle the nuclear fallout of generational curses. Anxiety and Depression? Check. Difficulty trusting others? Also, check. Low self-esteem/self-worth? Yes. Emotionally dysregulated? Physical health problems, numbing, personal limitation problems? I have not been immune to the mental, emotional, and physical toll this has had on my overall well-being, and occasionally I still experience aftershocks even with years and thousands of miles between me and the chaos.
Aftershocks are happening now, and the Rector called it.
I am so thankful for the opportunity to decompress about the challenges and concerns I've faced in OCIA, and for him to counter precisely what it means to step fully into my identity as a Catholic woman, regardless of what others in my circles may think—family, or friends.
The Catechism of the Catholic Church recognizes adult conversion deeply concerns intellectual, emotional, and spiritual transformation and adaptation. Paragraph 1248 states, "The catechumenate is to be (formed) in the whole Christian life... properly initiated into the mystery of salvation and the practice of the evangelical virtues, and they should be introduced into the life of faith, liturgy, and charity of the People of God." This emphasizes my need as a convert to constantly pursue and deepen my relationship with God through prayer, study and contemplation, the sacraments, and charity. This is a lifelong journey, and I must embrace divine guidance.
The only time I've ever felt safe and profoundly kept was eight years ago in the Hagia Sophia after acknowledging the call of Christ.
I am praying for that same peace to find me once again as I continue to walk toward confirmation.
In Christ,
Kayla